The FRIES model of consent comes from Planned Parenthood’s development of education on how to give and receive consent. Navigating healthy relationship boundaries is complex, which is why simple models like FRIES exist to break down any ambiguity:
F for Freely Given
There is no coercion or feelings of obligation present in the decision-making process for consent. Freely given takes into consideration any power differentials in the relationship.
R for Reversible
The person does not fear any consequences for deciding to take back their consent at any point of the interaction.
I for Informed
The decision of consent was made with all information present, such as any risks or important contexts.
E for Enthusiastic
The person is excited and interested in giving consent. Enthusiastic goes beyond just a simple “yes” and pays attention to non-verbals and other forms of communication.
S for Specific
There are clear boundaries for what is and isn’t okay in the given context. Specifics may change as the interaction continues.
Although FRIES mainly exists for educating on healthy sexual interactions, improving our comfort with every-day consent also helps us highlight the importance of consent in all life areas. Let’s take a peek into how saying “no” might show up and sound in the context of sexual or intimate encounters:
Different Ways to Practice Saying “No”
- “I don’t feel like having sex right now, but we could spend time together another way.”
- “I’m not sure I want to try that position.”
- “I know I said I would earlier, but I’m not feeling interested now.”
- “Could we slow down a bit? I’m feeling uncomfortable.”
- “I changed my mind about us doing this. Can we go back to what we were doing before?”
- “I’d feel better about consenting when we’re sober.”
How to Check-In on Consent:
Remember that consent is about ongoing emotional and physical safety. Here are some therapist consent tips on how to check in with the other person:
- “It seemed like you were interested in this earlier and now it seems like you aren’t. Should we pull back?”
- “I just want to pause and check in that you’re doing okay.”
- “Can we both take a pause and check in on how we’re feeling before we keep going?”
- “I know this is new for you. Are you feeling okay with continuing or should we stop?”
Repairing After Mis-steps:
Realistically, there are times where anyone can mis-read consent. In these situations, it’s important to repair the relationship and open back up the topic of consent to ensure emotional and physical safety for both people. When this happens in relationships, it might sound like:
- “I can see what I did made you pull back from me. Can you help me understand how I over-stepped so I can avoid it next time?”
- “I didn’t realize that made you feel uncomfortable. Thank you for telling me. I hope you always feel safe to let me know when that happens.”
- “Would you feel safe letting me know when something I do doesn’t make you feel good?”
- “How can I center your safety right now?”
- “I think I mis-read your communication. Can you verbalize with me directly what you need so I don’t confuse your needs.”
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