Addressing Triangulation in the Holiday Season

by | Dec 18, 2024 | family-communication, holidays

Don’t let triangulation in family relationships ruin the joy and magic of the season. By building assertive communication and cultivating a willingness to address toxic patterns, you can use the holidays as a time to reformulate any unhelpful communication in your family system. 

Identifying Triangulation Patterns

Triangulation in families occurs when two family members involve a third family member in their conflict to regulate anxiety. Examples of family triangulation include gossiping about other family members, pulling someone into a disagreement over family traditions or decorations, negatively aligning to create cliques during family gatherings. Identifying toxic family patterns, such as triangulation and emotional manipulation, can have a positive impact on holiday stress and relationships when you use direct communication or break unhelpful family alliances.

Signs of Triangulation in Families

Signs of triangulation in families include unhealthy dynamics such as indirect or passive communication, over-seeking validation or gossiping with third parties, or blame-shifting. Family members might struggle with conflict avoidance, unhealthy power dynamics, or the need for reassurance-seeking with family members not involved in the conflict.

Breaking Triangulation Patterns in Family Relationships

Once you begin to understand how triangulation impacts mental health, you might seek family therapy to address some of these unhealthy patterns. You can also learn to identify and stop triangulation in family dynamics by encouraging direct communication, setting clear boundaries, and modeling open, healthy conversations with younger family members.

 

Examples of Conversation Starters for Addressing Triangulation:

  • I hear how you want validation, and I don’t want to rob you of the opportunity to address this directly with them.
  • I feel conflicted when you try to involve me.
  • I feel frustrated when you tell me these things.
  • I feel hopeful when you are open, but conflicted about how to handle this information. Can you discuss this with them instead?
  • I hear how stressful this conflict is for you and I want to help you feel better. I can support you by going out for coffee or a walk, but I can’t discuss this subject with you directly anymore.