Let’s say your partner asks, “How was your day today, honey?” Turning away from your partner would look like passive rejection, such as ignoring their question, continuing to scroll on your phone or watch TV instead of answering, or simply saying, “It was fine” without engaging in further conversation.
Turning against your partner would look much more directly aggressive, possibly containing some hostility or criticism. For example, turning against might be the response: “What a boring question to ask me after a long day!” or “Why would you ask me that when you know how stressful work is for me?” These responses are dismissive, critical, and shut down any opportunity for connection.
Turning toward your partner in this instance could be as simple as saying, “My day was pretty similar to yesterday. How was yours? Anything new happen with that work project you talked about last week?” This type of response shows you are interested in your partner and willing to turn toward their interests, worldview, and perceptions about current life.
Practical Steps to Turn Towards Each Other
Responding to your partner’s bids for connection doesn’t have to be over-complicated. Turn towards one another with these simple and actionable relationship tips.
Using Mindful Listening
Mindful listening for couples is deeply listening to what your partner has to say from a space of curiosity and non-judgment. It can be helpful to pause distractions like television shows, work, or phone scrolling. When using mindful listening, you might practice focusing not only on the content of your partner’s words, but also their emotions underneath. See if you can pick out how they are feeling about what they are talking about, and reflect that back to them. This might sound like, “Wow, you sound really excited after reading that new book!” You might also tack on a curious question about their experience, such as, “Do you think you’ll keep reading more from that author?”
Using Verbal Acknowledgement
Sometimes your partner may be looking for verbal affirmations and validation. A simple “I hear you” or “Tell me more about that” can go a long way in terms of encouraging your partner that you’re invested in creating a space of emotional safety for them.
Using Acts of Kindness
Simple and small acts of kindness are achievable ways to create a culture of appreciation in the relationship. Small acts are best when they are easy to incorporate into a daily routine, as this makes them easier to repeat for your partner. Acts of kindness can include making them coffee in the morning or packing their work lunch, offering to drop the kids off to that birthday party, or leaving love notes on their desk. Whatever acts of kindness you use, make sure to tailor them to what your partner needs and desires from you. For example, knowing that your partner loves a good cup of coffee gives you the opportunity to make sure you fill their cup in the morning, or maybe even take them to check out a new local coffee shop.
Using Shared Rituals
Shared rituals are powerful ways to strengthen emotional intimacy with our partner because they are a metaphor of “doing” life together. Shared rituals are similar to acts of kindness in that the easier they are to repeat, the more frequent they might show up in the relationship. Shared rituals could be completing chores together, like house or yard projects. They might include things like weekly meal prep or grocery shopping, or dropping the kids off at school together. Shared rituals might also be more intentional, such as weekly relational check-ins or daily gratitude exercises with one another.
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