In a perfect world, Valentine’s Day and emotional awareness would go hand in hand! Wouldn’t it be nice if each partner had their emotional and physical needs met on Valentine’s Day? Strengthening bonds on Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be overwhelming or complicated. Emotion-Focused Therapy relationships, where deep emotional intimacy and open conversations are abundant, have more to offer us than just ideas for chocolate and roses this Valentine’s Day.
Rethinking Valentine’s Day Through an Emotion-Focused Lens
Valentine’s Day has most people concerned with external gifts. You know the deal – flowers, candy, maybe a cute stuffed animal of some sort. But the holiday can also be an opportunity to re-focus on deeper emotional connection. Emotion-Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, focuses on strengthening relationships through increasing emotional attunement, awareness, and connection. This blog will explore how EFT interventions enhance intimacy, solidify communication, and foster safety in your relationship.
Understanding Emotion-Focused Awareness in Relationships
Secure attachment and emotions are at the heart of emotion-focused therapy relationships. These partners understand that emotional intimacy in couples is built through secure attachment and emotional attunement to one another. First, let’s take a look at a definition of emotional awareness.
What is Emotion-Focused Awareness?</h\3>
Emotion-focused awareness is the ability to identify, externalize, and react to emotions in a way which builds trust and connection. EFT is a therapeutic approach which helps partners recognize, validate, and respond to one another’s emotional experiences. This might look like:
- One partner noticing the other partner is quieter than usual, and becoming curious about their current emotional experience
- Partners validating one another’s stress levels after a long work week and discussing some ways to blow off steam during the weekend
- Being willing to listen to your partner’s perspective during a conflict and validating their emotional experience, even if it is very different from your own
The Role of Attachment and Emotional Safety
Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, is at the heart of EFT. Attachment theory originates from the understanding that the early relationship we formed with caregivers in childhood created our attachment style, which is often repeated in our adult intimate relationships later in life.
Attachment theory is a lens to help us understand why we seek connection and safety in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs (even as an adult) may lead to conflict, distance, or insecurity in relationships, which is generally termed as ‘insecure attachment’.
Identifying Emotional Patterns on Valentine’s Day
When dealing with insecure attachment, certain dysfunctional relationship dynamics might arise on a holiday like Valentine’s Day. Whether these are unmet expectations, fears of rejection, or avoiding closeness, these patterns are clues into patterns of insecure attachment. Recognizing these patterns can help partners shift from disconnection toward understanding how insecure attachment is impacting the relationship. The goal becomes moving toward secure attachment behaviors.
Some questions to consider:
- During conflict, do I typically want to keep talking until the problem is resolved, have flexibility to give my partner space if needed, or want to avoid the whole conversation?
- During conflict, am I scared my partner might leave me, feel hopeful we will work things out as a team, or try to convince myself I’m better off alone?
- If my partner is acting standoffish, do I fear they might be mad at me, assume they might be having an ‘off’ day, or prefer the quiet and not want to confront it?
The first option is insecure attachment (anxious). The second is secure attachment. The third is insecure attachment (avoidant).
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